29 June 2007

let's play trust

i hate this game: trust. i don't hate it because i'm not good at it, in fact, i am GOOD at the receiving end of trust. but somewhere, a long time ago, on some sidewalk or lawn, i decided i didn't want to play with kids like you. i said no to trust.

you have to understand, i have always thought, since i can remember being concious of my appearance, that i was "bigger." and by bigger i just mean too big for you. it's not an actual physical reality, it is an imagined mentality that i adopted, integrated, and settled for. it is the air that i breathe.

well one day, err evening, i was at a party. lets say it was April 2007, i was 22, about to graduate from college. and guess what, i STILL hate the game trust. but i have this friend, his name is mark.thomp and he's incredibly strong. he has a big heart too, so you feel okay letting him love on you; it requires very little effort, he just loves you and it's feels like maybe that's how simple and yet how satisfying love it supposed to be. so the scene is a party: my 2 best friends from highschool, their boyfriends, and siempre single Estef. well after requesting mark to be my fill in boyfriend in the photo, we proceed to let him "dip" me. which requires that i TruSt him.

and somewhere inside of me, i found just a little bit of that magic.

and look at this: look at the JOY on my face. look at the ease and comfort that i am holding onto him with. and look at the sheer simplicity of the moment. it was simple delight. and i tell you what, it was worth it to ignore whatever fear it is that i'm always listening to. it lies.

trusting is life.

the reason i am thinking about this at all is because my dear friend hallie reminded me of how fun this moment with mark.thomp was. mark.thomp is kinda-sorta-always fun, but it was memorable and fun. and it reminded me that i am capable of trust. and i'm not too big for you. and i actually know how to play. and maybe i should play just a little wee bit more.

so today, at work, i have millions of thoughts about my lack of trust, and i admit i found a LOT of them. ones that are completely irrational and unreal, mingled with ones that seem very real. i want to explore those.

and believe me, i will keep you posted.

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