so i'm running at the park, i'm super motivated, fresh-minded, got my engine turned on. and i'm running, this cold, first frost of the fall monday, and i'm feeling like i SHOULD feel: alive. and then i see this piece of humanity i'm growing to despise. not because it's flawed, i understand that, but because it causes me to take a mental mirror, and look deep at myself, that way this piece of life is looking at me(OR not looking at me), and in that self i see a cause for change. NOT because i actually need to change, but simply because this "other" isn't affirming who I am. look at me, i am the picture of life. i am alive, independent, open, educated, working, healthy, moving, thinking, trying, listening, learning, looking, pursuing life to the ends of the earth. and you, the thing, also human, also breathing, also trying to life, you are making me feel like i am flawed. affirm me; just try, i sware i won't look too far into it. but maybe it will cause me to not burn holes in my self. my already struggling to survive, my so hard on herself for no apparent reason, my i will never let myself live this down self. "we are just breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys." ingrid michaelson
so i wish i had more confidence than i do. because i wouldn't have thought twice about this incident. but i don't, and i did, and i finished doing what i do at the park (probably more pushups than you can do, ha, just a joke), and i found a way out of the mire you mucked on me. K T Tunstall, and track numero dos on her new disco... and i sang and danced and flailed my body around because i am ALiVE. and moving and shaking and walking on limbs, cRiP WaLkInG on LimBs for that matter! but i was doing whatever i felt like, and i had a moment: I had this sudden realization, and it was incredible. when i was a little girl, little, i mean like 3,4,5 years old, i would sit in the backseat of cars and sing songs to myself...ones that were playing in the cassette player, like the Bangles, or Paula Abdul, or Madonna's Immaculate Collection, or some other 80's quinessential hit, just something of the sort. And I sang because it made me feel like I had friends and fans and maybe even a person or two trying to hear what I was ReALLy saying...and they listened well, because they cared-deeply- And you won't believe it, but I was singing like that in my car tonight. After you made me feel like I had nothing of the sort, I found a way to go back to my core, offer myself songs of LOVE & efforts of RESTORATION so that I won't forget wHO I aM...even when you made me do so momentarily. I found me again, and she's considerably kinder, wiser, more loved, and definetly heard.