04 December 2007

i'll find you

shivers are being sent up my spine; titillating, quivering, life-shaking thoughts moving & flashing throughout my entire body. it's amazing. emotion. feeling the waves of thoughts that flush through our bodies, holding onto them & letting them go. i feel a sudden sense of acceptance & understanding for the plethora of emotions that exist. before, or during other seasons of my life, i have had no tolerance for anything more than basic emotion. i wonder, sometimes, when did i ever let love in? what were the circumstances that convinced me that it was all going to be okay if i did? and what on earth ever convinced me to filter it?

"all the geese fly home for the winter" joshua james.

back to the comfortable land that i came from, that's where i try to go when i desire to avoid experiencing an emotion. rather than just allowing it to come as it pleases, let it send me into a wind-twister, fall freely out of it, only to experience the next one---as new & fresh & unexpected as the last. i would imagine i learned inconsistent love from a very young age. say, as a six month old, i actually knew i had to be careful or i would be hurting. "well, you hurt either way,so you might as well hurt in the midst of loving..." that's what my twenty three year old self wants the six month old within to understand.

the exploration of new emotions directly correlates to the initiation of a new relationship. a new relationship that involves a young man, a fine specimen of man with a beard & a plaid soul; what is a plaid soul? it's just a fine thing, and i do hope one day you meet one. i think f. scott fitzgerald would have written short stories about this soul. and it's amazing, because this young man who allows me to drape my legs over his, has done nothing less that afford me time & space for an exploration of territory formerly undiscovered.

and having discovered, or even having peered into the crack of that wonder, i see more about me that i yearn to exchange for more about the world in the local marketplace. take me, sell me there, trade this for that, and for the sake of my heart, make sure i get one of thOsE. let me write letters from that place, introducing others to my own exploration, & perhaps introducing my own self to others...unguarded, unfiltered, emotionFULL.

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