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31 May 2007

lovestains

i am falling in love all over the place recently.
these words seem very real to me right now.
thank you josé gonzaléz.


"Lovestain"

You left a lovestain on my heart
And you left a bloodstain on the ground
But blood comes off easily

But blood comes off easily

You left a lovestain on my heart
And you left a bloodstain on the ground
But blood comes off easily

But blood comes off easily

You left my heart stained

limbs

when i say prayers for things that seem most unconventional, i find myself walking away from my safe ground and moving out onto the limbs of life. i prayed for something really silly last night, in fact, i admit it was absurd . i prayed to "run into" someone, if only because i am yearning for companionship that is like-minded yet challenging, but let's be honest, i had ulterior motives as well. i have a little "like." what i mean to say though, is that i prayed a quick prayer about it. i owned my own silliness, my small self's desire for spontaneity and my large self's deeper need to be loved and understood. i say all of this not as a confession (i am completely satisfied with the run-in, oh yes. that is the punch line. i did end up running into my like, and after a wonderful conversation, in which he said: "I have been into the heart of God," i strolled away slightly floating above the soft earth. this was me: impressed.), but instead as a bit of a challenge.

leave your harbor of firm ground and safe shelter.
walk out onto the sea,
tippy-toe your heavy, fear-full body onto small limbs,
and see if you fall far.
chances are you will not crash,
or drown,
or discover what you intended to.
however,
let the smallest voice inside of you scream,
shout with all your might your
dreams,
desires,
doubts,
delights.
and then be well in the midst of all the winds,
and let them blow you,
shake you to your bones,
because you will see
the limb is where you discover,
or uncover,
life in its fullest,
newest,
brightest.
rawest,
most tender forms.
and you'll find,
maybe, if you allow yourself,
that you knew it existed all along.
and your fear of letting it come in,
and operate freely,
that is all your really lost.

21 May 2007

drinks on a porch

there are some things that carry with them irreplaceable moments of joy.

one of those things is having drinks on a porch.

you've got to understand something. the wind carries with it the potential at any moment to be refreshed. so when you're sitting on a porch with bourbon, which has become an infatuation for me since I moved to Kentucky, in a small Reidel glass with heilo (a luxury in some parts of the world), and , and the breeze is blowing your bra-length curly Afro, and the sun is setting over your left shoulder, you might have had the thought too: there is nothing more satisfying than this moment.

18 May 2007

a shared creation

your first viewing:

if there was a memorable moment to my day

so i sometimes wake up and think "i can't wait to get into bed tonight." that's lame, i know. but honestly, i wake up exhausted some days (and i get sufficient sleep, believe me). i am incredibly blessed though, because the place that i work invigorates me. even amidst negativity and bi-polar personalities, i am somehow able to soar above these grey clouds and i find a way to gain energy from little towers that direct my day. so i leave work 9 hours later, and deal with things i don't want to deal with (aka: car problems), then i find the energy to walk up to st matthews to get dinner. so, if there was a memorable moment to my day, it was this burst of energy.

energy. it is something within that i cannot describe---the way work should make me crash but in fact i soar, and that momentum that pushes me up cherokee hill in the midst of a hard run, i don't understand energy all the time, but i know it is powerful and mighty and gentle and fluid. it exists at a rate that is not threatening, but life-giving. strange how present and yet how hidden energy is, for within me i could find no tangible amount of motivation to go, do, be today. but from the whole of life that exists (whether i summon it to be or not), alive i am.

13 May 2007

late.night.sun.day

do you ever have those moments when you just want to sit outside all day long?
well today, sun day, was the most beautiful day i've experienced since last sunday.
there is something completely invigorating about not doing anything at all.
i take my blanket to cherokee park and i lay there,
with sunshine penetrating my every pore,
and i pretend that i am a sponge,
soaking up every ray,
letting it collect in my deepest parts.

and it feels dangerous,
letting that much light inside of all my dark places,
but it makes me feel alive.
i was reading annie dilliard and renita j. weems and i was thinking,
what if i could be that kind of woman?
what if you read about moments so mundane
but because of the way i told my story,
you woke up?

awakening.
to sunshine in abundance.
to new experiences that shake you.
and break your molds (that didn't fit anymore anyhow).
to longing and loving and living.

so now it's late.
and i have an early morning date.
in the sunshine.
how lovely.

07 May 2007

starting fresh

so i wrote my dear friend an email tonight, and i decided this would serve as my fresh start to the blogging. i am jumpstarting this here practice, one again. i think it is an incredible outlet, writing, and i want to be in the habit of being more PUBLIC about my words. i am always so personal, so privado, so selfish (you should see my boxes of journals). now here in some just for you, whoever you are.
(p.s. i hope you don't mind that i'm publishing this erin. i guess you're not allowed to mind, since i wrote it. lo siento. te amo.)

erincita! holasssss amiga! how are you???? i don't think we've even written since we last spoke, and i don't exactly know what that says about the pace of life but i am dying to reconnect with you. i hope that this email finds you well-----i think jamie is in lima or will be soon-----and i cannot wait to hear what you've been up to this past (almost) two weeks! your time there is coming to a close nearly, how absurd is that? i cannot even fathom your growth, how many new threads have been woven into the tapestry of your life, and what that means for you as you return, so changed, and yet so much a part of things as they were before you left. now that you're officially done with your formal education, what have you been thinking about for activity upon your return? i wonder how all of these developments are coming along in your mind and in your real life, too!

"travel is more than the seeing of sights; it is a change that goes on, deep and permanent, in the ideas of living." miriam beard

i went and heard elizabeth gilbert speak about her book "eat. pray. love" yesterday at Carmichael's bookstore (remember the bookstore we frolicked in together?) and i was moved in deep and amazing ways. you know my moments like this, where inspiration is so bursting within me that i cannot, for the life of me, contain the beauty that has been conceived. i become a womb that nurtures the questions and ideas that start bubbling up, and i start to intentionally digest eVeRyThinG and let it direct me. well her words just struck these melodious chords within me------she was full of words about quest-ing and questioning, she asked us: "What do you want to do with your one and wonderous life?" that is what i call a QUEST-ion! i mean, goodness, what is life if we are not always responding to that CALL? so even though i am in an incredibly content place here, i am always living out the answer to that question, falling in love more with life and so often just falling-----but there could be nothing more sweet and meaningful in this stage of my life, i suppose. because so much of life is spent doing completely and utterly meaningless work----one that produces mere material or something of the life that can be removed or destroyed with the smallest (or greatest) shift of the season or the weather or the waistline--- so why not be a human being who chooses to LIVE such a life from within, where we are sturdy, strong and spirited, from a core that is inSpiRed?

life in the Lou is good. derby was outstanding. the upcoming week should be sweet. i am aiming to fulfill some new goals for myself, after having created a "personal self-care plan" tonight, i'm feeling ultra motivated (clearly) to stride towards a clearer sense of stephanie. i love that at any point we are given the complete freedom to chose life in the aBundaNcE that it is offered to us. sometimes i cannot chose that for myself, but i want to practice choosing it. that's what this self-care initiative is about! nothing too new to write about, just goodness really, but i did want to write you, if only to tell you that i think of you often, i love you a lot, and i would love to hear from you----

i hope that things in lima are LOVELY!
that you are in the midst of admiration and appreciation,
wherever you are.
and if you're traveling around south america without me,
well,
i am envious.
(but you already knew that)
but i do wish you sweet sweet travels,
and even a more satisfying sweetness in your core.
one that changes your life.

love you ea
estef