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26 August 2007

"once"

i just got home from baxter avenue theatres, where i indulged in the rare but succulent occasion of seeing a movie sola. but let's go beyond that fun fact and the pretzels and diet coke, although there could be much said concerning such things. let's talk about this film: "once."

now it recalled many fresh memories for me, some dusty, actually, and overly attended too, at that. as if with the recall my immediate emotion was to be secure in my defense. i had whirling thoughts about dates taking place surrounding musical events, movies, moments. i couldn't leave the raw bloody beauty of using words intentionally. i was stupified by the use of simplicity. i argued with the critics all around me as we exited cinema 1 and they moaned, "well i didn't not like it, but i sure couldn't understand most of it."

and i wonder, were they listening? because it broke and scoured and put sutures in my heart. and the music lifted me, above, higher and higher until those melodies had moved me entirely. needless to say, i enjoyed the film, immensely, and to my dear friend alex lee, who suggested it to me, i agree. this is the most magical film i've seen in some time.

toRn

oK. so too much tequiLa. not enough JuaN. just the perfect amount of noise to be too loud for others to hear, not loud enough for our conversation to be thwarted. perfect virginal acknowledgement. "give me something good" joe purdy

no really my head is throbbing now. i mean really, really throbbing. not because of the tequila. but more because i'm exhausted. i have dark circles under my eyes. i only want to be in the sunlight. i only want to be in good company. in a dark, cold movie theater, maybe holding hands, just content to be right there. i wish people were respectful------to other people especially, maybe to me.

i save old movie tickets. i started reading Joseph Campbell this morning. i keep a book of books i've read. i can't believe that the pens i bought this week only have black ink, i thought they were metallic! i'm certain i could learn a thing or two this week. i'm even more certain that i could learn something right now. i'm rambling, really, shut up stephanie.

this is the last quote i wrote in my quote book, in boring black ink:
"You may feel squeamish about receiving. Maybe this is old baggage, but it won't go away by itesel. Someone would like to cherish you." renita j. weems, whose blog i read everyday. i cherish her.

24 August 2007

a word

Let me just say, for you, wherever you are, whatever you are doing, you are more than your circumstances. You are in them, but you are not of them. You are woven from a fabric, with such careful needle and thread that every stitch of your being was intentional. And you are so loved, in a deep and consistent way, that you need not fear the places where you feel unloved. We all have those places, we lack love for ourselves, but we journey together to NeW hEiGHts, gathering stones along the way, to BuiLd ouR LIVes of that which we have encountered. Listen to that something within, that is Spirit, and respond to that call. Be in the land where you are. And travel with me, friend, despite the distance between us.

15 August 2007

DEVOTIONAL PRONOIA THERAPY

i dont have words for you tonight. you know what? i talk way too much.
tomorrow i will practice this: silence.
but tonight i will find words.
they will be answers.
to questions.
but.
you can't read them.
you can just read the questions.

and knowing this, maybe even you will speak to me.


DEVOTIONAL PRONOIA THERAPY (the first half)
Experiments and exercises in becoming a gracefully probing, erotically
funny, shockingly friendly Master of Orgasmic Empathy


1. Ruminate about the sublime prototypes that might be hidden within
the longings you're not so proud of. Dream of the noble purposes that lie
beneath the plaintive cries of your heart. Write about them here.


2. Assume that your capacity for experiencing pleasure is not a barrier to
your spiritual growth, but is in fact essential to it. What would you do
differently from what you do now?


3. Force yourself to think a kind thought about someone you don't like.
Next, try an even harder task: Force yourself to think a kind thought
about someone who doesn't like you.


4. Robin Norwood's self-help book *Women Who Love Too Much* deals
with a theme that has gotten a lot of play in recent decades: If you're too
generous to someone who doesn't appreciate it and at the expense of
your own needs, you can make yourself sick.

An alternative perspective comes from French philosopher Blaise Pascal,
who said, "When one does not love too much, one does not love enough."
He was primarily addressing psychologically healthy altruists, but it's a
good ideal for pronoia lovers to keep in mind.

Decide whether you need to move more in the direction of Norwood's or
Pascal's advice. Develop a game plan to carry out your resolve, then take
action.


5. Everyone deserves a place to live, good food and water, comfortable
clothes, fulfilling work, decent health care, and an intimate relationship
with a provocative muse. The muse need not be an actual person, but
might be an animal ally, a familiar spirit, a guardian angel, or an
autonomous part of one's own brain.

Do you have one? If not, use all your ingenuity to get one. If you're
already blessed with a muse, upgrade your relationship. Demand more
high-quality prods and inspiration, and in return offer more daring acts of
love and generosity. If your muse is unwilling to undertake a deeper
collaboration with you, hand him or her a pink slip and enlist a more
enthusiastic candidate.


6. Compose and cast a love spell on yourself.


7. Pick out three strangers you aren't attracted to and who seem lonely
and dull. Discreetly discover their names and addresses, maybe by
following them home, then coming back later to steal the junk mail from
their mailbox. Write them each a two-page love letter and sign it "Your
Secret Admirer."


8. "Love is being stupid together," said French poet Paul Valéry. While
there's an element of truth to that, it's too corny and decadent for my
tastes. I prefer to focus on a more interesting truth, which is this: Real
love is being smart together. If you weave your destiny together with
another's, he or she should catalyze your sleeping potentials, sharpen
your perceptions, and boost both your emotional and analytical
intelligence. Your relationship becomes a crucible in which you deepen
your understanding of the way the world works.

Give an example of your closest approach to this model in your own life.
Then formulate a vow in which you promise you'll do what's necessary to
more fully embody the principle "love is being smart together."


9. Some men believe they'll never find romantic happiness unless they
hook up with a woman who resembles a supermodel or celebrity. Their
libidos were imprinted at a tender age by our culture's narrow definition
of what constitutes female beauty. They steer clear of many fine women
who don't fit their ideal.

The addiction to a physical type is not confined to hetero men, though.
Some straight women, for instance, wouldn't think of dating a bald, short
guy, no matter how interesting he is.

In addition to these extremes, there are many people of every sexual
persuasion who imagine that their attraction to the physical appearance
of a potential partner is the single most important gauge of compatibility.
This delusion is the most common cause of people leaping into
relationships that go bad.

The good news is that anyone can outgrow their instinctual yearning for a
particular physical type, thereby becoming available for union with all of
the more perfect partners who previously didn't look quite right.

What's the state of your relationship with this riddle? Describe how you
might ripen it; speculate on how you can move it to the next level of
pronoiac maturity.
(i will for the sake of the intelligent author, claim all questions/devotions to the work of Rob Breszny)

13 August 2007

call ME stupid

i have a second toe that is longer than most people's pinky fingers. (and it's crooked)
my favorite body part on most people is their hands.
if you gave me a quarter for how many people tell me they love my hair, i'd be LOADED.
black licorice is one of my very favorite treats.
i dream about traveling around the globe, frequently.
but i live in louisville, kentucky.
my favorite way to communicate is through postal mail.
call me stupid, but i never understand how to use the phrase: touché.
i wish i did! i think it sounds so cool when people say that.
on my to do list: resin the champagne bottle tops i collect.
not on my to do list: get married.
latest musical obsession: eve.
latest other obsession: shopping for shoes on ebay.
i can't wait for the lives of others to be on DVD.
quote:
"i want a wild, roving, vagabond life, I always want to do something daring and spirited; you will certainly repent if you keep me tied up." [isabel.arundell]

12 August 2007

finding a community

dear mrs renita j. weems, whose words move my heart and ignite my soul and cause me to live out more of what is stewing and brewing and moving inside of me! I am writing you today as I have recently been presented a struggle: finding a church, a community of faith. I am writing you because I cannot think of another woman whose faith has led and motivated my own more than yourself. Of course, you have done this without knowing you were doing this; you planted in me the courageous seeds that called to life all that I thought rebellious within me. I was accustomed to thinking everything that made me different was actually that which separated me from this incredible God who had created me, rather than believe deeply and truly that it is God who has planted these things and nourished them in the time appointed. I found myself this morning going to church with a friend, a dear friend, whose heart is also for the Lord, who calls on Jesus as her Rock, who lives and breathes a life of faith----but her church strangled me. It choked my soul, and I am forced to yet again leave those double doors with turmoil in my head, this small self saying "well it must just be you, Stephanie," rather than Christ rising within me and shouting in my pain, "keep seeking my face, you will find me." I love Jesus, but I struggle with the language and the harsh circumstances presented in most churches. The church is full of sin, I know this well, and I don't expect to stumble upon heaven on earth early one Sunday morning. But isn't there a faith community, full of people who have progressive ideas about what it means to follow Christ, to stand for the true meaning of the practice of Christianity? I don't ask this question assuming their is one answers, no, i know better than that. But I ask it knowing what this community looks like for me. That is: loving Jesus and loving the people who are marginalized and considered worthless and walking alongside others to advance the reign of God. Sending forth the good news that people are LOVED despite the conditions of their hearts and calling them to "Come to the fountain," and have their thirst quenched by a God who knows them and loves them despite their downfalls. That is my heart's worship, that is the news I want to share, that is the basis of the community I want to be a part of----and still, I left this morning thinking, "well, what if it exists? Where is it? I have yet to find it and I am still seeking..." but you, as a leader of community, a pastor, a woman who leads the church, do you know of any communities that participate in this type of spiritual life in my corner of the world? i am not far from you, I live in Louisville, KY. And this email has taken a generous amount of courage to write, but my question is this: where do i find my foothold in my faith is there is no place of worship that meets my heart's desires? how do i withstand continual disappointment in the church and still find a faith community?

11 August 2007

twenty four parts

your chin. your facial hair. your brown eyes. small ears lobes. this wafting, liberated hair style of yours. and then, your soft hands. that smile. laughter. square toes, calloused feet. knees and legs and hips and that incredible bone that leads towards your stomach, or your belly button. maybe it's your lightly spread chest hair. and your biceps. the movement of your arms. seeing your collar bone and it's slight angular bend towards your face, which is where i want mine to be. near your lips. your breath on my face; your soul connected to my soul. our hearts longing for one another. and still, "there are twenty four parts in a day that divide me from you." [creation.lake]