24 February 2008
unfiltered existence/heart wisdom
"make a list of things you need,
leave it empty,
except for number one,
love me with an open heart,
tell me aNyThing,
we can find a place to start
to gamble everything..."
my love loves conditions. my love loves brick fucking walls. my love loves expectation and manipulation and the occasional usage of playing dumb. my love knows no love.
there is the rest of my existence, where heart wisdom has slowly crept into my many veins and limbs, causing LOVE to exist there. that love reminds me that i am entirely motivated by and enveloped in the idea that all people really need is: LOVE. i can give and give and give to no end, not because that's all i'm capable of, but because that's what is easier for me. oh, of course sometimes i'm a receiver: if you're sending a handwritten letter or making sunergos cappucino's, i will take those goods all day long. but love, and story telling, and my vulnerable voice, that is mine until it is yours because some miracle came and swept into my existence and made me feel safe beyond my own logical understanding. maybe you are that miracle and i am still trying to understand why you want that role.
maybe my friend hallie says it more beautifully than i can: "I realized JUST how uncomfortable I was allowing him to receive me. I wanted to skim over the story, minimize my experience and just get back to homebase ("safety") where I was the one listening to him, receiving him."
i've come to places in the road when i encounter this problem before. let's reflect:
january of last year, this is what i was looking for (and desperately NOT finding): "a makeout, yes, but also a mystical presence that breaks the rules of my deep, stone self. give me flesh."
and then, one month later, one year ago, one wash of wisdom later, this:
"i have stepped blindly & been led forward lovingly. these things have proved to be on that path: Giving.(curiously placed first) Trusting. HeLping. doINg the RiGht tHing. GoiNG. sAvinG. journaLing. reAding. oPening up. saYing what is on my <3. wRiTinG. shARing. tRyinG new. asKing for wHat i waNT. fiLLinG my hearT with gooD thOUGhts, gOOD compaNY, & loVE!"
and i continue...which is more like a prediction a year in advance, after this morning. "this is my call---to practice moving forward; in all ways, at all times, with all wisdom & grace my guide. i have known times when i have lived with chains, and i have known the desire to change my ways. so oNwARD you & i shall go, and as we go forward, caLL me to moRE love, more liberation, freedom to live well as i am aLive with this one purpose: LOVE. that is my call."
pw: did you read that? is that about you & i?
unfiltered existence. here we come.
"if you do not love too much, you do not love enough. " (pascal)