28 April 2008

keep looking

never give up. get back on that horse. aim as high as you can. keep looking.

i believe in a life that is fulfilling. amazing. purposeful. i am amazed at my own voice these days. i've been noticing that i'm describing things with near perfertion. explaining my own visions & viewpoints clearly. doing an excellent job following through. actively pursuing my ideas. doing what i say i'll do & getting GOOD things done, often.

however, i have been trapped in a constant cycle of self-frustration and discontent. i hate me for some weird reason. i hate my narcessistic ways. i hate my face. my thighs. my creases and cracks. i have love more than i ever have before, and i somehow have lost it all for myself.

now, let's get this straight: i am absolutely in love. i am affectionately involved with a young man who makes my heart palpate. he is constant & his love is contagious. i see that bearded face and just follow suite. he is a lover deep in his core. even though he is (admittedly) not perfect, he is absolutely a purveyor of all things whole and full of life. i hope i catch on one of these days.

i was just searching my favorite guilty pleasure: the missed connections space on craigslist. it's so beautiful. these people who are too ashamed to love freely during their meanial daily tasks, but bravery strikes them and craigslist is their publishing point. tonight i read the following:

Tammy from CT + John from KY in Daytona 1984 - m4w - 48 (Louisville, KY)

Tamarra Annie Elizabeth Michaud. This is John, from Louisville. I met you in the spring of '84 in Daytona Beach. After a beautiful but trying long distance love affair we called it quits after about a year, and I have never heard from you since. I am just trying to find out whatever became of you. You were my first true love, and I've never forgotten you. I have been happily married now for over 21 years. I have a super-genius 17-year-old son and I am an executive with GE Corporate. I am in no way trying to reestablish a relationship. I would just like to know that you are safe, happy and healthy. Please respond and end my worrying.

now i'd like to mention a few things:
-he is "in no way trying to reestablish a relationship" but i tell you what,if i was this man's wife, and twenty one years later he's thinking about the spring of 84' with Tamarra, i'd be a little concerned about his intentions. and i might point that out.
-Tamarra, what about you? how long have you been trying to FORGET john? it's amazing, the cycle that love carries us through. absolute to absolved. and back again. he's back, knocking on her door.
-he's worrying about her, what was she like? did she die in a bicycle accident? while he watches april showers cover his years, flooded, washing away the old, and 24 springs later, tamarra you are still his may flower.

but i'm putting my overly cynical self aside. i hope i both experience & remember love as vividly as john does. he hasn't forgotten the passion of that spring. the hope of making love be the most important thing in life. i admire that john. despite it all, love is what keeps us connected.

"wait for the wisest of all counselors, Time."

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