31 May 2008

violet hill

so chris martin is hot, but coldplay is amazing.
i can't wait until their new cd is released.

check this video, ahora.

28 May 2008

love thySELF

i was sitting in the oral surgeon's office today, kinda nervous, kinda scared, and i decided to write myself a note. i always write other people notes, nice ones usually, welcoming the whole of who they are, calling them to trust a bit more, love a lot more, be tender with themselves. i genuinely believe in the potential of the people i love. i see their lives in process and i am impressed. sure, they have their flaws, everyone does, but they are lovely in so many ways. through & through i believe in them. that group probably includes you: e.a., vic dawg, laur, halster, ashferd, katemarks, ertIV, pw, e*wat, tanner, janer, meggie, drebo, stewy, bink, julie "lvp," mase case, and the list could go on.

as much as i know how,i really believe in all that you are. and would you know that the hardest thing for me is thinking that i have any place in that group? i was thinking about how we're given such a simple task: love others as ourselves, and i wonder,

when did i stop loving myself the way i love others?

i could love you in all of your dirt. i could give you a rope and tell you to hold on. i could remind you of a million wonderful things about you. but i am still learning how to love myself. how to be loved on. how to see the places i need to grow and say, well, that's exciting. instead i often feel overwhelmed, undeserving, without.

so i wrote myself a little note. admittedly, i felt a little bit better. then the surgeon's assistant called my name, then the oral surgeon ripped out my tooth, now i'm sitting here drooling on myself, looking at the wall. maybe i shall go write another one.

22 May 2008

i'm busy today

keep your contacts organized.
but expect the unexpected.
you never know who you're going to meet.

and on that note, have you met yourself?
she is simply amazing.

get your self organized!
get on the ball!
get in line!

oh the mental screaming!
i am not a rollercoaster, head, i'm just a little bird.
i only have one song,
and time
and time
and time again, do i have to remind you?
i just have one song & i sing it beautifully, too.

Rollercoaster, you're a fun ride, but my life has it's perks too.
A nest. A tree. Beautiful little eggs that I'm keeping warm. Worms.

i'm busy today believing that who i am is CERTAINLY enough.
i'm busy in my head and in my life, but my heart feel very settled & very certain.

do we pause for long enough to thank those who support us?
do we take into consideration that those people believe in us, and maybe we should too?
do we tell our stories from a place of love and certainty?
do we study up on our interests, but not love ourselves be taken away from ourselves?
do we believe in who we are?

i'm busy today believing that who i am is CERTAINLY enough.

19 May 2008

let's play pretend

yells at you for resting and enjoying yourself on Sunday.
"The New York Times isn't worth your TIME." I want to argue back, but I put my little head down and get right into the mental line. Leaving me at the end of the day with a headache, a shoulder ache, a (self-induced) heartache, and the ache list could go on. but why? so what: it's just an ache or seven. they will go away soon enough. but...
it's raining, again.
back on a budget, again.
microsoft excel training, again.
a blank canvas, again.

let's play pretend.

my sunday self, says:
pretend all you want.
wear that pretty green dress.
play a little bit (always).

my monday self disagrees.

well guess what Monday,
i don't care what you say.

i say:
let's pretend the whole week is sunday.
let's make that true.

14 May 2008

the help

so i was watching charlie & lola at the gym today...running, collecting my thoughts, listening to MGMT, sweating out of every pore, and watching charlie & lola. no words, just the animated story flashing before me, and i conceived a magnificent idea for making something from the paper scraps that i collect. useless, most people would probably say, but i beg to differ. and the piece above, which i'll call, "the help," only because of those beautiful hard-working feet, seems to be a good start at my vision.

i feel like i am actually in progress today. helping myself a little bit towards becoming (aLways becoming) a fuller sense of me...

for a while now i've had this weight on my shoulders, one that was labeled: FINAL PRODUCT, and it was so heavy it was making me feel stagnant. since december 22nd, my final day at blue dog, the only thing that was constant and satisfying was my relationship with pw. but today feels different. today makes me think to myself "what have you been doing since december?" today makes me feel as though i've spent the past six months watching all my friends play, and i finally got up and gave life a shot. i feel like my life is changing today. i feel really good.

i swear it's the scanner. it's the idea of having a way to display my projects and (hopefully) get feedback. it's perfect, really. now: how do i make the files smaller? (my current techie challenge)

it's not the scanner. it's not the gym or the tea or the anything.
it's love and acceptance, two things i feel for myself today that i've been missing for some time. it's the french tulips pw surprised me with last night that i put in a vase without water. it's seeing their droopy bulbs at 9am, and immediately watering them hoping to rescue their beauty. it's coming home at noon seeing their upright posture, screaming aRise! aRisE!

and on that note, one of my favorite cards of all time. made in honor of my beautiful friend, aisha. i hope she will stumble across it.

where you are heavy, lighten.
where you are hard, melt.
where you are weary, rest.
where you are closed, open.
where you are low, arise.

12 May 2008


yes, my dear, that is I. in case you were wondering, I have recently become absolutely obsessed with big dresses, high hair, and breasts flowing out of bustiers.

this is a culmination of things. i shall list them for you.
a) paul & i have been watching the series "the Tudors." it's not great, but it's addictive. the sex is entirely too aggressive. the men are entirely too egotistical. the women don't have enough voice.
b) there is talk in my household about drinking too much champagne and watching sofia coppola's version of the tale. i vote YES.

c) AND FINALLY, most of the time i say things like "yeah right, bathing suit season." but this year----well let's not go into it. let's just say that this year i caught myself saying "omg, give me a bikini body RIGHT NOW so that i can wear this":

marie antoinette bikini

please, god? please please please. i swear i'll beg. all i ask for is paler skin, bigger hair (maybe with a bird in it) and an exquisite piece of jewelery. maybe some champagne, too, if you're feeling extra generous.

09 May 2008

pleasure $0.00

i bought this swanky hobo wallet a year ago---the money i spent on it virtually broke the seams of my current wallet, but i needed it, i loved it. i have health insurance, my doctor is like a mother to me, but let me tell you, don't let doctor's send you to specialists without knowing what your benefits/deductibles are. gas at chevron (which my brother claims is the best) is 20รง more than gas at thorton's. stamps are going up another penny---again. a sunergos cappucino is even going to cost you more. cha-ching. cha-ching. cha-ching. my point is this: somebody is going to make you pay.

so i have a theme for my entry today: free pleasures. and by free i mean that somebody somewhere is paying for them, and you need to be thankful, because the Man knows that you're susceptible to thinking it's free, so he'll hound your pocketbook in other ways. don't you worry. just soak up the freedom as much as you can for now, pull out your checkbook later.

free pleasure #1: missed connections on i tell you what, these are the guiltiest & funniest things around.

free pleasure #2: jefferson memorial forest it will certainly cost you to get there, but pack a picnic and hit the trails (oh and be sure to thank mitch mcconnell & not the taxpayers)

free pleasure #3: blogs & podcasts. though i seek the former, i know lots of people get their kicks out of the latter, so hooray for us both.

free pleasure #4: google artists themes for your igoogle homepage. i don't own a diane von furstenburg dress, but what a decadent artist theme she provides me at no cost.

free pleasure #5: house/dog sitting. sleeping in someone else's freshly made bed is like a trip to heaven.

free pleasure #6: ok, i know we all have one million cookbooks on the shelf, but its nice to have a search feature and find EXACTLY what you're looking for. inspiration. ingredients in the form of a list. easy. Tonight's dinner...

free pleasure #7: fresh air. sleeping dogs. sunshine. life.

don't get disappointed, even when things are hard or seem outrageous. there is so much to be thankful for.

07 May 2008

how can i help you?

that wendell berry gets me everytime.
a quote from an interview that took place in 1973,
makes me think he's been thinking about living well
since long before i was born.

BERRY: If you’re really going to neighbor, you go to them when they need you, and when you need help you call. Two brothers who live up the creek and another friend and I have known each other pretty near always, and we exchange work all the time. We don’t keep books. I do all I can for them. They do all they can for me. And it’s a good thing. Who knows what the record is? I helped one of them put in his crop of tobacco last year. He said, “What do I owe you?” I said, “Nothing.” That’s ceremony. He wouldn’t want me to think that I hadn’t worked well enough to deserve to be paid, or that he wouldn’t be willing to pay me if I wanted him to. But when hog-killing time came I had two hogs to kill and he said, “I’ve fattened you a hog, you need three.” He knew I hadn’t had enough bacon the year before. I don’t know whether he overpaid me or I overpaid him or where it stands. And that’s the way I prefer to live. That means our work has escaped from economics and has value in an altogether different sense, and a much larger sense. Our work for each other is valuable beyond its practical worth because there’s a deep strong bond of friendship and respect among us. It gives us pleasure to work together.

makes me wonder:
how can i help you?
i keep thinking about sending mr. fitzsimmon a letter about doing a little trade.
i think i'll go write that right now.

04 May 2008

scanning delight!

oh joy! i was so blessed today with the gift of a scanner/printer combo.
my grandmother is the most tech-savvy lady over the age of 70.
she wouldn't let me just get a scanner----she talked me into the combo,
and then treated me to it...
how blessed, blessed, blessed.

now what will become of me?
i feel that i keep asking myself:
how do i share these delights with the world?
now that i have the means...

just a peak.

exhibit A. i'm somewhat obsessed with this piece.

exhibit B. i'm reminded of each of my daring, growing, seeking friends when i see this. it holds a small piece of each of them in the paint.

exhibit C. part of a sink that i secretly want to share with the man that i love.

wonder. wonder. wonderFULL.