i was sitting in the oral surgeon's office today, kinda nervous, kinda scared, and i decided to write myself a note. i always write other people notes, nice ones usually, welcoming the whole of who they are, calling them to trust a bit more, love a lot more, be tender with themselves. i genuinely believe in the potential of the people i love. i see their lives in process and i am impressed. sure, they have their flaws, everyone does, but they are lovely in so many ways. through & through i believe in them. that group probably includes you: e.a., vic dawg, laur, halster, ashferd, katemarks, ertIV, pw, e*wat, tanner, janer, meggie, drebo, stewy, bink, julie "lvp," mase case, and the list could go on.
as much as i know how,i really believe in all that you are. and would you know that the hardest thing for me is thinking that i have any place in that group? i was thinking about how we're given such a simple task: love others as ourselves, and i wonder,
when did i stop loving myself the way i love others?
i could love you in all of your dirt. i could give you a rope and tell you to hold on. i could remind you of a million wonderful things about you. but i am still learning how to love myself. how to be loved on. how to see the places i need to grow and say, well, that's exciting. instead i often feel overwhelmed, undeserving, without.
so i wrote myself a little note. admittedly, i felt a little bit better. then the surgeon's assistant called my name, then the oral surgeon ripped out my tooth, now i'm sitting here drooling on myself, looking at the wall. maybe i shall go write another one.