12 November 2008

wake up. stay sleeping. sit with your train of thoughts.

at some point this morning i woke up feeling as though i wouldn't be able to go to sleep. i resisted the urge to hit the indiglo button on my alarm clock, instead i got up to pee because i'd drank a 16 ounces mug of hot delicious tea before bed. woke up, no lights, bathroom, got back in bed. sleep, steph, sleep. but no luck. so i stopped trying. i let my train of thoughts roll, eyes closed. mind totally working.

something i love about living in st matthews is that i can hear the train at night. when the whole world is silent and it's just my mind in the darkness, i can only hear the chatter in my own head. but the train that runs through the small part of town where i currently call home and is a steady reminder to me during those dark moments. tonight i let my mind go. i let it think about what it needed to think about.

i thought about traveling and dreaming and creating an existence that i love. i thought about st. augustine. i thought about heart piercing cards. i thought about quito. ea. friendships. distance. love. kindness displayed at random. irene. warmth during the winter. service. fine paper. gifts. i thought about loose ends i am desperate to tie up. i thought about indian food. (dakshin, the restaurant, mainly, and chaat) prayer. paris. and the day ahead.

i thought about how if we resist thinking about what we desire to think about, then all we do is end up thinking about thinking about something. let me describe:
take saint augustine. 4th century theologian. "confessions" ring a bell anyone? anyway, so i was remembering Doire and her constant meandering mind (as she says: "tangents) that was so teaching me for in regard to his work. i was thinking though, as much as he wrote about sexuality and not being attached to the flesh and on and on concerning this topic, his writing was deeply sensual and almost confusing and sexual.

when we work so hard to forget about something, to cut ourselves off from it, whether its little debbies or our life's work or our family or sex-- we actually just connect ourselves to it over and over again. with every thought to disconnect we connect again. count your blessings. seek wisdom in the work that is your life. distinct to who you are, your dreams, your desires, your wellness and your walk; take claim of that which you are working with and working through. "seek peace and pursue it"----that is a word to nourish your soul and spirit through all seasons. don't cut yourself off from your dreams and desires, work with them. knead out what you won't use and don't benefit from. make claim to what you love.

sit with it: hear its roar, in your darkness and in your light.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...


I so needed to read that.

You are an amazing sage for your age(unintentional rhyme).