29 February 2008

leAp yeAr.

a tribute to jumping, flying, friends, love, life.

so i didn't expect this, but it's a leap year.
it's February 29th, and that only happen every four years.
i hope i birth a child on this day, someday.
that way, we won't reserve celebrating its life on one particular day every year,
we would celebrate everyday.
crowns to be worn while playing with crayons.
new shoes when feet grow, new socks because they make that child feel super.
paints & play dough & piƱatas just because.

we would play as a practice.

i remember when some of my dearest friends and i took to playing on campus our first year in college. we'd run up and down our hall (3rd floor SOUTH!), doing silly things and catching ourselves on camera. it was fascinating. sometimes, we took to the public places on campus (rather than the halls of the "virgin vault," so was the nickname of our all girls dorm). one night, we went leaping.

look at those girls, those faces, anticipating the jump.
so courageous, and it's not a far distance to go,
it's all in the going.
the leap.
the "i don't know where i'll land but off i go anyhow."

we didn't care who saw us. we were going anyhow.

and all of this makes me think of renita j. weems blog entry from last august, which sent chills running up and down my spine, causing my old bones to shake, eager for change. and a little thrill...
read on:

Wednesday, August 1st, 2007
A Leap of Faith
by renita j weems

Sometimes you have to go ahead and jump off the cliff and build your wings on the way down,” is an apt way to describe what it means to live by faith. I didn’t know a thing about what I’d opened my big mouth and said I’d do, but I trusted God. And I had experience. The experience of once committing myself to something, watching the universe open up and gradually send me the things I needed to do the job.

Listen: You’ve been preparing for years for the step you’re contemplating. You’ve been dreaming about it all your life. It’s not more credentials, but more faith that you need. Faith in God. Faith in yourself.

Faith is trusting that even if you fail in what you planned, you will succeed in other ways you never imagined. Faith is believing that in the end, the universe will catch you.

You know this already, but I’ll tell you again: Sometimes you have to leap without knowing how things are going to turn out. Sometimes you have to go ahead and take a chance. Sometimes you have to step out even when you can’t see what’s in front of you.

“For everything there is a season,” is what you’ll find in the Bible. A season to pray, and a season to leap– and pray, is what life teaches you...

...What do I know so far? Blogging is like writing a book which is like traveling to a distant land, which is like falling in love which is like having a baby, which is like standing to speak without any notes which is like leaving a secure job for a yet to be revealed vocation (all of which I’ve done). Leaping and praying.

Playing the slot machines in Vegas doesn’t interest me. Placing a wager on a horse is not something I’d do. But as Venus Williams said back in 2005 when she beat the odds and won Wimbledon, “I always bet on myself.”

So, go for it. Take the plunge. You won’t find God on the cliff, but out there in the wind beneath your wings.

Faith is flapping your imaginary wings.

“What happens if I crash?” What happens if you fly?

Jump, doggone it. Start flapping. Look up, not down. That’s it. Fly.

it IS a leap year. i feel like i've been participating in it without even knowing, this year. it's amazing, life, leaping, love--- who am i to experience all this and in such genuine capacity? i have golden threads woven into my wings, friends without borders that know no distance, a love who takes me to the swings, family & health & the wisdom that everything else will fall into place. this leap that beckons does so eVERy daY. caLLs your name & calls the bravest you into being. calls you out of your comfortable bed each morning, calls you into clothes and out onto the street.

and you go. you always go. you go when you feel like a bear. you go when you feel like anything but going. and what a brave soul you are.
falling like that.
all the way down.

outward.ONWARD.forward.TOWARDS.upward.the road less traveled. the cliff less jumped.

24 February 2008

unfiltered existence/heart wisdom

"make a list of things you need,
leave it empty,
except for number one,
write: LOVE,
gamble eVeRyTHiNG...
love me with an open heart,
tell me aNyThing,
we can find a place to start
to gamble everything..."
ben lee

my love loves conditions. my love loves brick fucking walls. my love loves expectation and manipulation and the occasional usage of playing dumb. my love knows no love.

there is the rest of my existence, where heart wisdom has slowly crept into my many veins and limbs, causing LOVE to exist there. that love reminds me that i am entirely motivated by and enveloped in the idea that all people really need is: LOVE. i can give and give and give to no end, not because that's all i'm capable of, but because that's what is easier for me. oh, of course sometimes i'm a receiver: if you're sending a handwritten letter or making sunergos cappucino's, i will take those goods all day long. but love, and story telling, and my vulnerable voice, that is mine until it is yours because some miracle came and swept into my existence and made me feel safe beyond my own logical understanding. maybe you are that miracle and i am still trying to understand why you want that role.

maybe my friend hallie says it more beautifully than i can: "I realized JUST how uncomfortable I was allowing him to receive me. I wanted to skim over the story, minimize my experience and just get back to homebase ("safety") where I was the one listening to him, receiving him."

i've come to places in the road when i encounter this problem before. let's reflect:
january of last year, this is what i was looking for (and desperately NOT finding): "a makeout, yes, but also a mystical presence that breaks the rules of my deep, stone self. give me flesh."

and then, one month later, one year ago, one wash of wisdom later, this:
"i have stepped blindly & been led forward lovingly. these things have proved to be on that path: Giving.(curiously placed first) Trusting. HeLping. doINg the RiGht tHing. GoiNG. sAvinG. journaLing. reAding. oPening up. saYing what is on my <3. wRiTinG. shARing. tRyinG new. asKing for wHat i waNT. fiLLinG my hearT with gooD thOUGhts, gOOD compaNY, & loVE!"

and i continue...which is more like a prediction a year in advance, after this morning. "this is my call---to practice moving forward; in all ways, at all times, with all wisdom & grace my guide. i have known times when i have lived with chains, and i have known the desire to change my ways. so oNwARD you & i shall go, and as we go forward, caLL me to moRE love, more liberation, freedom to live well as i am aLive with this one purpose: LOVE. that is my call."

pw: did you read that? is that about you & i?

unfiltered existence. here we come.

"if you do not love too much, you do not love enough. " (pascal)

16 February 2008

e v e r ything counts

i just finished a liter of water (i am always thankful for water).

read something beautiful: "If something inside you is real, we will probably find it interesting, and it will probably be universal. So you must risk placing real emotion at the center of your work. Write straight into the emotional center of things. Write toward vulnerability. Don’t worry about appearing sentimental. Worry about being unavailable; worry about being absent or fraudulent. Risk being unliked. Tell the truth as you understand it. If you’re a writer you have a moral obligation to do this. And it is a revolutionary act - - truth is always subversive." Anne Lamott in Bird By Bird

danced & ran & walked outside listening to M.I.A.

loved every second of this day.

09 February 2008

listen to us!

it's amazing how little time it takes to change your life.
read on.

yesterday in my perpetual state of boredom i decided to be slightly romantic, reflecting upon some messages that pw & i exchanged back in the fall. that is, november. it's just barely february and we're making jokes, "remember when we were young and in love?" haha, so schmarmy and so precious. i think the following are worth sharing. and i've added a few from the not-so-myspace messages, also known as gmail...

how about a few quotes?

"thanks for combing through the plethora of stephanie's out there to find me. i have no idea how long that took but i am sURe it will have been worth it!"
steph 11.01.07

"that cold makes this cold look absolutely PEDESTRIAN! hmm, i am not always sick...though looking at this conversation it sure seems that way."
paul 11/02/07

"ahhh, ok, i love sundays. i love having NOTHING (absolutely nothing) to do and planning my wHoLe day around myself. i am never selfish with my time during the week, so when i have free days it's somewhat liberating and often delectable."
a radically different stephanie, perhaps one with a job? 11/04/07

"i'm going to go study for our trivial pursuit match."
steph 11/07/07
"for some reason i feel funny sending this through myspace. like it cheapens it or something. just imagine this isnt typing on a screen...but ink on paper. it does seem nicer that way doesnt it? especially nice, as my handwriting is down right intriguing all on it's own." paul, nov 10 2007

"can i try again?"
stephanie 11/22/07

" hi, thank you for the message. i really was suprised to get your text yesterday, and doublely suprised to get this. so suprised that when you sent me that text it didnt show up as being from you, but just your phone number...because i had taken you out of my phone the night before. yes, i am overly dramatic in many ways...i'm kind of a drama queen if you hadnt figured that out yet." paul 11/23/07, a tender response to the lovely beast named stephowich

"why keep them separate when they all go so well together?? hmmm i think that can be my new motto/philosophy for life."
paul, 11/24/07, delighting in nasty leftovers

"can you tell i like quotes? and love letters? and good handwriting? and paper tchotchke? and maybe even a good hot tottie." stepho 11/27/07

"is this clear: i was leaving before i met you. this is my update: i find myself in constant doubt, twisted by each activity & shared encounter. you are a delight in my life."
steph 12/18/07

"My most predominate random thought/wish/daydream of the last 5 minutes...curling up in front a fire place with you for no less than 5 hours. That sounds so wonderful to me! Why dont i have a fireplace??" pw 12/18/07

"i wish you and i had free days in which to find such a thing as a suitable used desk. free days...if you could give me that for christmas, that would be my most prized gift."
paul 12/21/07

"SO i heard it was your birthday.
twenty six?
you're probably sitting there thinking,
"i'm old."
and i'm sitting here thinking,
"shutup, you're great."
and i'm smarter/cooler/prettier, so you have to listen to me.
just kidding. well i'm not kidding about the listening part." stepho 12/30/07

"sometimes i feel like you and i are bending the world in our direction..." pw 01/14/08

i feel like this needed to be published.
it was a little meditation on love and growth for me,
just wonderful.

love you pw