11 February 2009

you are handsome, blessed, wise.

{a watercolor by my lovely friend hallie carolyn. spirit never flowed as sweetly as it does in her.}
i find myself guilty of setting aside inspiration for when i "have time"- a luxury that is a train that will never come into the station; so, in order to live inspired, i have to act as if inspiration was a butterfly and i the one standing there holding the net in my hands. everyday. every hour of everyday. every minute of every hour of everyday.

instead, i tend to mourn my inability to do capture it, and i end up watching it flow by, its current pulling at my toes, my strong legs solid and refusing to move with it. you wouldn't believe the how often i turn down offers for help; how often i turn down advice; more often than not, i assume myself stronger. you can ask anybody, i've been waving my fist at people since i was a small child. i know what i want and i want it now. let's have a little flashback:

{age 3, perhaps? bag of candy taken away. hot summer day. the look on my face says "give it back to me, right now." and the funny thing is that a grandmother or mother took this photo. probably one of the more comforting, more loving people in my life took away my candy and i have my arms up to strangle them. daddy dave always tells this story about me, raising my fist to my mother because i wanted a cookie. a cookie, people! that's funny but that's me.}

back to 2009. imagine my discomfort when my ego shuts up for a millisecond every once & a while and that which is true strikes me. it hurts in the good way; the way it feels good to scratch chicken pox (talk about tough: ask the grandmother who had to give me oatmeal baths how i felt about THAT!): you regret those scars later in life, those time where you refused to be patient. you went for it, the big itch, and oh baby you'll pay for that one. but pay how?

so the ego quiets. the winds still. and the soul, it sings. to our human ears, i think we'd say it sounded more like a whisper, but in the quiet of our lives, i think its a call we hear very clearly. i've been listening for it lately; this has been an intention of mine and it's clearer everyday.

if you want to take on an intention like this, first of all, don't ask to hear it then expect not to. don't shudder once it starts speaking. you'll notice that you will begin to hear all the mean voices you speak to yourself, and you will want to hold onto some of those and let go of others. it would be rather tough to dump them all at once {give it time}. you will also see your actions in slow motion, and while acting, you will evaluate. you will find there are things about yourself you love: the curve of your cheeks, the subtle strength of your legs, the flash of your smile in an unexpected mirror. you, too, will see these things, and while seeing, you might happen to lean toward believing otherwise. don't. stop yourself from believing anything other than the beauty of your creation. you are handsome, blessed, wise. be sure to see that.

and occasionally, you'll see yourself raising a fist. try and figure out what this is all about. it just might be ingrained in you---it may be a behavior you've held onto because its kept you "comfortable" and by comfortable i don't mean safe or well, i simply mean "able to operate without hindrance or pain." but be honest, it hurts to be too comfortable. butts fall asleep, limbs get pins & needles, our weight fluctuates and our heart wanes. when you see yourself raising a fist, or resorting to a comfortable behavior, reevaluate. hold the reigns. ask: what is this? is it fear? frustration? miscommunication? ignoring a symptom that is screaming? do a double take and see what you come up with. i promise, your life will start speaking to you if you only give listening a chance.

every heart has a song, yes, even yours. i am certain of this. give it a listen.
especially this week. especially tonight. especially right this very moment.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey O passionate one! external expresser of all that is inside, whether conscious or un. Ye who has great feeling be it blows or hugs. You have a wonderful amount to share.

Remember to ask about the loving you express too!!

You are my sweet valentine!!