11 March 2009

arise with acceptance

i was at yoga tonight, finishing up a challenging, beautiful, releasing practice of bikram at (my new obsession) betsy's hot yoga louisville. i was just laying, embracing myself with words and affirmations when this word came to me:

i scribbled it down when i got to the jeep, and thought to myself: perfect, go back to that place where you connect and delight in sharing. that place is here, though, it is with great gentleness that i enter this space again. i left off feeling quite vulnerable on monday night; after a big release, i was exhausted, and in the hours since then, i have been humbled and lifted: by you. and you. and you. and all of you.

this is life, i suppose, a changing of seasons and a daily walk through hills and valleys. i never cease to be amazed at the diverse geography of this world. some days feel very lush, very warm, very big sunglasses, very by the pool with a daiquiri, very naples. other days are hot, chaffing, and uncomfortable. then there are the winter mountaintops, the ski-lodge days, sitting by the fire and sipping hot cocoa with marshmallows that never end.

but we must come down the mountain. there is always a slight bit of resistance, your knees feel as though they can't stand the downward slope. right before you fall, you feel it, don't you? i sure do. you saw me sliding and you loved me still. tumbling about, groping for grass (which is, btw, not nearly as strong as i am heavy), or some solid ground to grab onto. and in the struggle (we aLL struggle), i found myself at the bottom, low-low-low, but here is the amazing thing: i was on solid ground.

in the face of fear, i rose. in the face of failure, i accepted myself, just as i am. in the face of struggle, i choose my truth. in the face of darkness, i called forth the Light.

let's be quite clear about something: nothing actually changed, in a physical sense. i went to bed, sad, and i woke up in the dark, put on my clothes, and went to work. but something inside woke up too. i wrote to paul from work, around 930am for our daily check-In, and i said:
i feel lifted.

i was mightily thankful. for those of you who stretched out your palms to touch me with your words and your voice, thank you. for some who listened, thank you. without knowing it, you gave me the courage to rise. and i made a decision, once again, to love myself where i am and with what i've got. crazy hair and all.