09 March 2009

"before" pictures, black clouds, a breaking inside

i wish i was here to echo elsita and share my joy: "the big difference is that today I am taking care of that little hidden seed that we all need to nourish and protect everyday, the seed of love that starts with loving ourselves. It is not easy at times, because the demands from life are too many, but we need to keep finding new ways to keep ourselves excited and motivated."

but the hidden seed is bearing the storm today. and the storm is within, because ironically, i am the lion when march is the lamb. the weather today was beautiful, but i am a wreck. i am breezy and grey, spitting rain and throwing thunder. i am cracked, crowded, unclear.

i don't know where this all comes from, some place deep inside where i feel unheard, untouched, unlovable. i think it started a while ago, when i started realizing that i do a lot of listening during a season where i need to be heard. i have been chewing on a lot of maybes in my life, and when i lack certainty, i tend to hold onto disgruntled feelings about my own needs not being met, and my own inability to get them met. my lack of vision, inaction, frustration: its embarrassing to even talk about it, but it is what is. i have some serious fear of sitting down and believing in myself. i don't voice what i need on many accounts, and pretty soon i am bogged down and really frustrated.

today was a black chalkboard of a day. there was nothing on the drawing board. i didn't look at people. i didn't talk to people. i just drifted. inside, i knew what i really needed was something special, some delightful person to reach out towards me, present me with something that made me feel shining, thought of, even, perhaps, wonderful. once you have encountered these experiences, you crave them. i am in need. and today, today i needed to be reminded of something that i can't believe right now.

i read a few inspiring weight loss stories, but i don't feel anyone is reaching towards me trying to support my efforts, even when i have black & white asked for it. have i mentioned that i need that? have i mentioned that i want support, letters, encouraging thoughts? i feel like i'm always the one sending these things. i need them, too.

i though i was being a mature adult mentioning this to a friend this winter. her response was hurtful, but clear: she wanted an equation for how much attention i needed. "do you need comments on your blog? phone calls once a week? emails? tell me what you need." not only was i hurt, but i felt like a chore. am i that bad? am i really that much to deal with that you have to pencil me into you busy calendar? i offered a season of silence, and that it has been- a very sad season. we were once very dear connected souls. such silly distractions this world throws in our pathes. we have to pursue the people we love wholeheartedly. ourselves, too.

put your hand on your heart. the world is way too noisy. music. washing machines. furious typing. treadmills moaning. but inside of me, it is much louder than all of that. inside something is screaming; it is fully unsatisfied. of course, the heart is beating, and for this i am thankful. basic gratitude. that is all i have tonight.

today has been the day of i can't. i can't describe it fully. but it's been really really tough. perhaps i have ignored some whispers for too long.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Steffi,
I’ve been enjoying your blog…have kept it open since discovering it through etsy…and am intrigued with your musings. Up, down, sunny or grey, you’re quite readable.

Writing well is an art that I envy and admire. Wish I had studied words instead of numbers.
Or tap dancing. Studied that, seems to not be much of a market for it.

My latest giggle is that 9a is starting a blog. She usually emails by forwarding ‘something cute’ or with slowly typed, brief phrases in response to pictures of grandkids. Now she wants to blog. Guess if you’ve done it all, might as well write it down! Stay tuned.

Nice to see that you’re reading Wallace Stegner. He’s one of my favorites. Oops! I got Wallace confused with Wally Lamb (also good). Try Wallace Stegner’s “Crossing to Safety.” I just combed my shelves for it…probably loaned it away one time. As much as I love to share good books, it’s sad when they don’t come home. Btw, did UD ever mail The Life of Pi back to you? I sent it to him with a mailing label for when he was finished. I think he never finished.

Sorry that you had a blue day. I’ve had a bunch lately. I sold my business and now can’t find a job. When I owned the company, I was pretty darn important. Now I’m unemployed, and feel kind of unnecessary. Ach, all perception.

Gram 9a’s finally feeling better after her recent surgery. It has been a painful week, but today’s social calendar kicked in with a luncheon at the club and then a party at the neighbors. She’s baaaack!!! I’m certain she’ll be at karaoke this weekend (she loves Elvira…um-pap-a-mow-mow)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You are, as ever, a source of joy to the family.
Love, AS