23 April 2009

finally encounter her

so, total change of subject, but: do you remember this

do you? i think it was the most responded to post in the history of this blog. {which is telling me something} but since i keep mentioning my health initiatives and my efforts to shape up, i figured i'd go ahead and share a bit more about whats going on.

this year has been good in that "health-fitness-body acceptance" regard; i say it's been good because i've actually noticed a change. {a real one!} one that i can hold and fold and stuff in my pocket. it's my secret, kind of, because i have made it that way. i've put my extra twenty pounds on in secret, and i'm shedding them in secret too.

truthfully, i wonder if some people even notice. actually, maybe they never noticed that i had them in the first place. my grandma nina, who i love dearly, definitely noticed this time last year when i was visiting her. she noticed, and she's 78 folks. people notice. but mostly, i noticed. my waistbands and my whispers noticed. and to me, those things matter most.

so i made some changes. little by little i figured out how to shave off unnecessary food and beverages here and there, and wa-la, wave the magic weight loss wand, and i'm down almost twenty pounds. its not as though it was THAT easy, but really, looking back, it wasn't that hard. it was just ebb and flow. give and take. checks and balances. i mean sure, working out requires time, and perseverance, and sitting down the day after you do 3 million squats has never been so painful. but there are more painful things.

painful can be described as: catching yourself eating a cookie one day out of boredom.
that's really what changed my mind, sparked my interest, gave me the insight, the strength, the ability to rise to the challenge of achieving my own goals.

when i caught myself, i really saw myself. that is to say: i saw myself from a birds eye view. i saw a girl with nutritional options choosing the cookie.(the really good, my grandmother made this, and in the right circumstance, the totally worth-it cookie, but the cookie.) the void of nutrition and i'm not really hungry cookie. and i saw her eat it anyway.

i drew the girl above after eating the cookie.

guilty as charged.

but here's the thing: i didn't want the cookie, i wanted something to do, i wanted to make something or play or have an activity. i wanted a friend or a walk in the park. and catching myself was, for me, seeing myself, or being seen for the first time.

this all sounds very deep. its really not. its just that i want to encourage you to take a good look. do your actions line up with your desires? and if they do, props to you. sing your song to the world. if they don't, look deeper. gaze beyond the action, and look at the intent. are you there? the you that you know and love, is she rising to the challenge of her goals and dreams? or shrinking in fear, in a coat of worthlessness, in a stomach full of fleeting cookie comfort?

dig deeper. look more intentionally. search with belief: do all these things honoring who you desire to become. because (now this is a secret), when you meet her along the road, when you work towards her and finally encounter her, you will have to had believe in her the WHOLE way before you believe in her when you become her.

NOW: lets here it from you. what have you done/overcame/achieved that you never believed possible??

p.s. {don't get comment happy and say you noticed my extra twenty pounds!}


elizabeth drebing said...

Beautifully written. I have too many times done the same thing; when bored head to the kitchen...I'm not even hungry! It's a learning process that continues....

Anonymous said...

Bravo, I didn't notice the 20 going on but I saw you last week and saw glow, beauty, calm. The shape of you... sleek and composed.

I love the things you do and say!!!!

Emile said...

I definitely noticed ;)

So proud of you, Sis!