when we look at that of which our lives are composed, we are, without a doubt, and sometimes all at the same time: threatened, ready to explore, protective, full-hearted, patient, curious.
when i look ahead into 2011, my numbers add up like this: 1 full time career. 2 graduate courses. 1 fiance. 1 wedding to plan. 3 races to run (this spring). 4 bloggers to collaborate with. 10 days in ireland. 2 fantastic mothers. 1 wellcoach exam. 4 siblings. 2 nieces to love on & watch grow. 1 really good idea to execute. and 1, just 1, new years resolution.
not saying i'm a big deal or anything, because, let's be honest: that's really not that much. anyone who was focused, organized, strategic might laugh at my list & start singing "the sound of music" because this is patty-cake material to them. but not me, oh no. i am somehow curious & overwhelmed all at the same time.
maybe it's because my career means a lot to me.
maybe it's because some small part of me has always loved seeing an A on my report card.
maybe it's because pw deserves the best attention, not sloppy seconds to my dramatic ______ story.
maybe it's a lot of things.
but i know for sure it's one thing: it is my one, wonderous life.
i want to look back every year and say that i've grown. to keep some kind of inner journal of growth.
and whether i mean to or not, to account for things the way they really are. not to create confusing calculations about my existence through anxiety, gossip, drama, worry. to firmly say, "damn! 2009 finally taught me how goal-oriented i am." or "oh yes, 2014 was the year i learned to love my belly. it only took me 30 years."
2010 taught me a lot. i can't say enough about my growth: inwardly and outwardly. (and i can't tell you how tempted i am to get a tattoo by betsy dunlap that reads "golden." but where would i put it?!?! thoughts?)
|mom, it's official. i need a tattoo.|
more importantly, 2011 is here. and i am awake and alive and counting my blessings. and getting real familiar with what is good & heart-filling & awakening. and letting go of fatigue, fear, heaviness as much as i can. there is a lot to love out there. time to get to it.